Hell franchise operator Old Nick has reassured sinners on Earth that all suffering endured on our shit-fuelled shambles of a rail network is redeemable against sentencing in the after-life.
‘Eternal punishment this maybe, but mortal commuters have already accrued an average of 20 odd years cruel and unusual punishment on the tracks and I for one think that counts for something!’ tweeted The Evil One, fresh from suspending ethereal evisceration operations and enforced Cold Play concerts for all former rail card holders on Thursday.
Autocratic Heaven CEO God has also backed the changes in a move that some conservative Catholics are convinced confirms a creeping liberalisation over the last 13.82 billion years. ‘All I’m saying is that a lot wailing and gnashing of teeth has already been done by even the most heinous and black hearted of bastards by the time they arrive’ said His Omnipotence, ‘What Kind of sadist do you think I am? That was rhetorical, obviously.’
‘What’s next; mercy?!’ spluttered Cardinal Hardline McDonald whilst waiting for a bus replacement service to Colchester. ‘If we’re all going sing Kumbaya and forgive people’s trespasses we may as well join that bunch women-equalitising church fete organisers. I didn’t did drop my Playboy subscription and put on a dress for this! Sweet Jesus send me a f***ing train.’
Iroquois Pliskin
